Nobler in the Mind

Friday, May 05, 2006

I came, I saw, I floundered

Many scientists have embraced the idea that Man is the “aquatic ape,” suggesting that our high body-fat levels relative to other land mammals can be explained by an affinity for submerging ourselves in water. These scientists obviously did not observe my performance in the lap pool yesterday.

Anyone who has ever seen a gangster film is familiar with the popular method of extracting information in which the victim’s head is held down in the toilet bowl and then yanked back up again just prior to suffocation. This is remarkably similar to my attempt at side-breathing, except I didn’t need help from any gangsters. They say the allure of swimming is that it exercises every muscle of the body simultaneously. Well, so does an epileptic seizure—but I wouldn’t recommend either one.